Let’s get creative when we vent
I work in an office of about 20 people. Most of us don’t like swearing, but there are a couple of guys who really do. (They know who they are, and I dedicate this post to them!) Since we all sit in an open-plan office space, throughout any given workday our collective hearing is peppered with “F*** this” and “F*** that”, and an array of similar auditory treats.
As the company copywriter, it has occurred to me that perhaps it is up to me to suggest more elevated rantings. We all have occasion to need to vent, but I prefer more creative and wordsmithy options that get the point across but are less generally offensive.
So here are my suggestions of some more inventive insults and expletives they could try:
(Note: not all are original. Also, quick caveat: I’m NOT promoting hate-filled rantings! Just light-hearted, cheeky insults …)
- That lily-livered lout.
- You first-rate turd. (Thank you, Johnny English.)
- He’s a real turnip.
- You miserable wench. (What my mother’s biology teacher called the schoolgirls if they didn’t do their homework.)
- Fredumkim! (Just sounds expulsive to me.)
- You bag of nail clippings.
- You chewed up toffee. (Let’s bring it back!)
- The plonker.
- She’s a real domipootrix!
- He’s half a bubble off of plumb. (An old Americanism, meaning kind of crazy.)
- The crazy hoot owl.
- Like a fart in the face from a warthog. (A toned-down version of a Blackadder favourite.)
- He’s a bogus booger.
- Mary Poppins! (I’m sure that if said with enough feeling, this could be a cathartic expression of frustration … Go on, give it a try.)
- You smelly crone.
- The little lickspittle. (An C18th insult that equates to the modern-day ‘suck up’.)
- Twerp. (Such a goodie.)
- Lazy lummox.
- Thou animated offal.
Take it from there, boys!